-Written by Ashley Anjlien Kumar, The Confidence Coach for Kids and Parents
"It drives me nuts when my child screams and has a tantrum when they don't get what they want."
"My teenager just acts out when I assert my authority as their parent."

Do you identify with either of these?
Read further to learn what is happening and what you can do about it:
Lena clenched her tiny fists, her face turning crimson as she let out an ear-piercing wail in the middle of the grocery store aisle. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she stomped her feet, her whole body shaking with frustration. Her mother, Maya, took a deep breath, feeling the weight of judgmental stares around her. “Why is she acting like this?” Maya wondered. “She knows we're not buying any candy. I already told her three times.” But what Maya didn’t yet realize was that Lena’s outburst wasn’t about the candy—it was about her brain struggling to regulate an overwhelming wave of emotions.
Jake, a 16-year-old teen, slammed his bedroom door so hard the walls seemed to shake. His mother, Rachel, stood outside, her heart pounding. “I don’t get it,” she thought. “All I did was ask him to put his phone away during dinner.” Inside the room, Jake buried his face in his hands, frustration boiling over. He didn’t mean to snap, but something inside him felt too big, too overwhelming to hold in. What Rachel didn’t yet realize was that Jake’s outburst wasn’t just about the phone—it was about his developing brain struggling to process emotions, independence, and the need to be understood.
So what the heck is going on?
1. The Role of the Limbic System (Emotional Brain)
When a child doesn’t get the toy they want, their brain perceives this as a threat—not in the same way as physical danger, but as a threat to an unmet emotional need. The amygdala, part of the brain's limbic system, is responsible for detecting threats and triggering a fight, flight, or freeze response.
In this case, the child’s brain may interpret the denial of the toy as a block to something critical they "need" (choice, autonomy, or happiness), creating emotional dysregulation. The amygdala activates the fight response to regain control or achieve what feels necessary for their well-being.
2. Perception of a "Need"
The brain is wired to prioritize needs. For humans in the modern world (where we aren't fighting for food and shelter each day or running away from sabretooth tigers), these needs can be broader than physical survival—such as emotional needs for control, autonomy, or connection. When a toy is denied:
The child may unconsciously associate it with loss of choice or powerlessness.
The perception of "I won’t be happy unless I get what I want" reinforces this as a perceived threat to emotional balance.
A child’s limited cognitive ability means they struggle to see long-term outcomes or alternatives—they live in the present moment, and not getting the toy feels like a significant, immediate loss.
3. Underdeveloped Prefrontal Cortex
The prefrontal cortex, responsible for reasoning, impulse control, and regulation of emotions, is still developing in children (and won’t fully mature until their mid-20s). This underdevelopment means:
They struggle to regulate the intense emotions triggered by the amygdala.
They lack the capacity to reason, self-soothe, or consider alternative perspectives ("I can play with this other toy," or "I don’t need the toy to be happy").
Without these regulatory skills, the fight response is a natural, instinctual reaction.
4. The Brain’s Need for Autonomy
Autonomy is a key psychological need for children, closely tied to feelings of safety and control. When autonomy is restricted (e.g., “You can’t have that toy”), the brain may interpret this as a loss of agency, which feels threatening. This triggers the stress response, leading to behaviors like yelling, hitting, or arguing as they fight to regain perceived control (some adults seemingly don't outgrow this tendency very much either...)
5. Brain Chemistry and Stress Response
When the fight response is triggered, stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol flood the child’s body, preparing them to act (argue, scream, tantrum). These chemicals heighten the emotional intensity and further inhibit rational thinking.
Simultaneously, the reward system in the brain (linked to dopamine) might play a role. If the child associates the toy with happiness or reward, being denied it feels like a block to that reward, intensifying frustration and the fight response.
6. What Can Help?
Empathy and Validation: Acknowledging their feelings can help soothe the amygdala (“I see you really wanted that toy. It’s hard not to get what we want sometimes.”).
Teaching Emotional Regulation: Out of the moment (when big emotions have passed), we gradually help children recognize and name their feelings and understand more about "frustration tolerance" and coping tools. Yes, kids learn self-regulation through co-regulation with healthy regulated adults. But the challenge is that many adults are struggling to self-regulate due to chronic stress and not having strategies and tools in place. Thus, I'm offering this idea: IT'S OKAY TO LEARN TO REGULATE ALONGSIDE YOUR CHILD. It's critical though that we start to take those first steps towards improving our nervous system health so we can become those conscious, confident empowered leaders we aim to be!
Offering Choices: Providing alternative choices (e.g., “We're not buying candy today, but after dinner you could definitely have some of those cookies we backed together earlier, or some ice cream. Which one do you think you want after dinner?") supports their need for autonomy and mitigates the threat perception.
Now what about teenagers?
When a teenager doesn't get what they want—whether it’s permission to go out, a desired item, or autonomy in decision-making—their brain perceives this as a threat to their growing need for independence and identity. The amygdala, the brain organ which processes "safety and threat," reacts strongly, while their prefrontal cortex—responsible for reasoning and self-regulation—is still maturing. This imbalance makes it difficult for teens to regulate the intense emotions triggered by denial or frustration. For teens, this frustration often ties directly to their heightened sensitivity to fairness, autonomy, and peer approval. Denying their request may feel like a threat not just to their immediate desire but also to their evolving sense of self, triggering a fight response that might manifest as arguing, slamming doors, or what looks like "outright defiance."
Adolescents are also in a stage of heightened dopamine sensitivity, meaning their reward system is far more active. They are wired to seek out experiences and outcomes that feel rewarding or validating, even if they are risky. When they don’t get what they want, their brain experiences this as a denial of that reward, compounding feelings of rejection or frustration. Simultaneously, a teen’s strong desire for autonomy can make limits or boundaries feel like an affront to their independence, which their brain interprets as a threat to their emerging adulthood. Helping teens manage these moments involves balancing empathy with firm boundaries, acknowledging their feelings while recognizing which boundaries to maintain as a family leader and, understanding which boundaries to set collaboratively with your teen. In fact, humans are more likely to "buy in" to an idea when they have some type of contribution to that idea - the same goes for limits and boundaries; when teens feel like they have a say, they feel some level of connection with their parents and are more often willing to work with their parents - so long as parents can advise on the WHY - what are the values associated with the limit or boundary? By validating their need for independence and offering collaborative solutions, parents can support their teen’s emotional growth and help them learn how to navigate unmet desires with resilience.
In summary, the brain of a child who doesn’t get what they want perceives a threat to social-emotional needs like happiness, autonomy, or choice. This can activate a fight response because the brain interprets the situation as a loss of control or well-being, even if it’s not a physical threat. Over time, with guidance, a child can learn to reframe these situations and regulate their emotions effectively.
Reach out to The Confidence Coach for Kids and Parents, Ashley Anjlien Kumar, for more support. Also check out our upcoming GROUP PARENT COACHING PROGRAM.
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