-Written by Ashley Anjlien Kumar, Master Certified Parenting Coach, Certified Kids Self-Esteem Coach, Somatic Trauma Therapy Practitioner
Introduction
“Make sure it’s perfect mom,” said my 5-year-old son, about me having to affix the torn bow off his oversized teddy bear plushie. He wanted the bow to go on just like it was in the store – perfectly. The truth is that there isn’t any guarantee that anyone could affix it “perfectly.” So what happens in children where the “perfect” standard isn’t met? Big emotions is what happens. From disappointment that leads to anger, to outright rage. It’s not their fault they have these emotions. It just means their amygdala and hippocampus, the brain organs that detect cues of safety or danger and create emotional responses to drive human behaviour, are perceiving the imperfection as a cue of “danger.” My child is not in danger if his bear’s bow-tie doesn’t go on exactly perfect. But his mind-body system reacts based on the way his brain interprets the information. Yes, he would REALLY like his bear to be as “good a new,” but the reality is that it might not be. And my job as a parent isn’t to painstakingly spend three hours attempting to sew it back on perfectly just like it was in the store. In this situation, my job is to notice what’s happening inside me and regulate my mind-body system, work to understand him, and respond in a way that supports him and doesn’t drive me cuckoo attempting to meet unrealistic standards.
Anxiety and perfectionism are two phenomena that often go hand in hand, creating a complex interplay that can significantly impact an individual’s mental health and overall well-being. Let’s delve into this connection between anxiety and perfectionism, exploring the scientific evidence, challenges, and potential solutions for breaking this cycle.
What’s Behind the Anxiety-Perfectionism Link?
Research has consistently shown a strong correlation between anxiety and perfectionism. A meta-analysis by Limburg et al. (2017) found that perfectionism was significantly associated with anxiety, depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. This link is not merely coincidental but rooted in shared psychological mechanisms.
Perfectionism is characterized by setting excessively high standards for oneself and others, coupled with a fear of making mistakes. This fear of failure aligns closely with the core features of anxiety disorders, which involve excessive worry and anticipation of negative outcomes.
In other words, perfectionists tend to experience higher levels of anxiety because their unrealistic standards create a constant state of stress and worry about potential failures or imperfections. This anxiety, in turn, can reinforce perfectionistic tendencies as a way to cope with and control these fears. Often, upon deep exploration of intergenerational family patterns and school systems, you’ll see how and why these things take root inside of children. Often these kids grow up into adults prioritizing things like how “good” the hardwood floors of their house looks because they don’t allow their kids to play on it, versus noticing how “good” it is to watch their kids play with abandon knowing that the child’s self-esteem and natural curiosity are growing because we aren’t expecting perfect behaviour from them. After all, our floor doesn’t come with us wherever we go, but our child’s self-esteem goes with them where they go…
Beyond conditioned patterns or learned behaviour, there are also fetal brain development (what happens to a child in-utero and how the mother’s mental/emotional well-being impacts the child’s brain) and inherited traits. My own child, in-utero, got ALL the stress hormones of me having been depressed during my pregnancy. As I came to more understanding as he grew, it became very apparent to me how his brain development in-utero was impacted by my stress and how his little brain and body absorbed all that, resulting in his anxious tendencies now as a child.
The Psycho-Logic of Anxiety and Perfectionism
The “psycho-logic” behind this connection can be understood through the lens of cognitive-behavioral theory. Perfectionists often engage in a thought pattern known as “all-or-nothing thinking,” where anything less than perfect is seen as a failure. This cognitive distortion fuels anxiety by creating unrealistic expectations and a constant fear of not meeting them. Moreover, perfectionism can lead to what researchers call “prolonged stress reactivity.” A study by Suh et al. (2022) found that individuals high in perfectionism experienced more prolonged stress responses, which in turn predicted higher levels of depression.
In other words, perfectionists not only experience more frequent anxiety but also have difficulty recovering from stressful events, creating a cycle of chronic stress and anxiety. For obvious reasons, this will impact a child’s resilience levels.
Three Major Challenges with Anxiety and Perfectionism
1. Impaired Performance: Paradoxically, the desire for perfection can lead to decreased performance. The anxiety associated with perfectionism can cause procrastination, writer’s block, and other forms of avoidance that hinder productivity and creativity. Sometimes it leads to kids not even trying out of fear of failure… Or unable to receive praise because perhaps, even if on a subconscious level, it wasn’t quite good enough. Many people who have this experience also have an underlying experience of shame and avoid “celebration” of their achievements. My son DOES NOT like me to celebrate him in a big way…
2. Relationship Difficulties: Perfectionism can strain relationships as individuals may hold others to unrealistic standards or be overly critical of themselves, leading to social anxiety and isolation.
3. Burnout and Mental Health Issues: The constant internal pressure or interpretation of pressure (when there isn’t any) can lead to chronic stress, burnout, and increased risk for mental health disorders such as depression and eating disorders. I am recovering from this pattern myself due to having been raised in a family where what I did was rarely “good enough,” and having a mother who was a perfectionist and unrealized anxiety (everything seemed urgent). This pattern kicked into high-gear as soon as I became a mother – things “had to be right” and “different” so that I didn’t “mess up my kids”! (I know some of you mommas are resonating with that – you’ve told me so in your coaching sessions with me.) So today, I have to be VERY AWARE when my “everything is urgent” switch turns on, and soothe it.
How Anxiety and Perfectionism Are Passed on to Children
1. Modeling: Children often learn by observing their parents. If parents display anxious behaviors or perfectionistic tendencies, children may internalize these and adopt similar patterns. Often, this happens on a subconscious level – for many reasons – including the fact that a child's mind-body system is so dependent on their parent and the direct lead-follow pattern that occurs, even at a neuronal level.
2. High Expectations: Parents with perfectionist tendencies may set unrealistically high standards for their children, inadvertently fostering anxiety and perfectionism in the next generation.
3. Criticism and Praise: Overly critical feedback, or even praise that focuses solely on achievements rather than effort, can reinforce perfectionistic thinking in children. Some parents have even shared with me that they saw their sibling being overly criticized by their parents, and so they felt that they had to “pick up the slack” so to speak, in order to “even the keel,” which resulted in becoming a “high-achiever” always pushing for productivity and accomplishment. These parents also share how this subconscious drive to “achieve and accomplish” contributes to their burnout because rest doesn’t make it on to the “to-do” list.
Long-Term Consequences of Unchecked Anxiety-Perfectionism
1. Chronic Mental Health Issues: Prolonged anxiety and perfectionism can lead to persistent mental health problems, including generalized anxiety disorder, depression, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
2. Physical Health Problems: Chronic stress associated with perfectionism and anxiety can contribute to various physical health issues, including cardiovascular problems, weakened immune system, and sleep dysfunction.
3. Impaired Life Satisfaction: The constant pursuit of perfection can lead to a decreased ability to enjoy life’s moments, impacting overall life satisfaction and happiness.
Six Signs of Parental “Anxiety-Perfectionism” Patterns
1. Excessive worry about their child’s performance in school or extracurricular activities
2. Difficulty delegating tasks or allowing children to make age-appropriate decisions
3. Overemphasis on orderliness and control in the home environment
4. Frequent expressions of disappointment or criticism when things aren’t “just right”
5. Modeling of anxious behaviors or perfectionistic standards in their own life; being unable to forgive themselves or practice self-empathy
6. Difficulty relaxing or engaging in spontaneous, unstructured activities with their children
(There are more, but that’s 6 to start…)
Three Steps to Heal the Anxiety-Perfectionism Loop
1. Practice Self-Compassion: Cultivate a kind and understanding attitude towards oneself. Research shows that self-compassion can help reduce both anxiety and perfectionism. Whenever you notice your thoughts or hear yourself being hard on yourself or self-critical, use a breathing tool or other mind-body tool to soothe your body’s (nervous system’s) response to the thought. Notice your tension (I bet you feel it in the shoulder or gut), and attempt to soften it. Using bottom-up strategies for regulation can be very helpful here….
2. Challenge Perfectionistic Thoughts: A parent I coached many years ago was unknowingly passing this pattern on to her child; she vocalized that she was “always waiting for the other shoe to drop.” In other words, she was just waiting for things to go wrong. She already believed they would… So her daughter, who I coached, started to believe she wasn’t good enough either and this impacted the child’s social capacity, self-esteem and resilience, while the parent was exhausted from the anxiety-perfectionism loop herself but she didn’t even know she was in… Learn to recognize and challenge unrealistic standards and all-or-nothing thinking. Things can be imperfect and still be okay! In my coaching programs for kids, I teach them the reality of “talking to their amygdala.” Of course this means, they get to learn about their amygdala and other brain organs and start to identify these “parts” of them that they can start to develop a sense of power over instead of becoming powerless to life’s circumstances.
3. Adopt a “Flexible” Mindset: Notice when you might adhere to a “thing,” idea, plan or situation very tightly. And loosen your grip on that… People struggling with perfectionism and anxiety may find it difficult when things don’t go according to plan; and this is where I teach my kids to explore the answer to the question: “How will you handle it if it doesn’t go your way? What’s your plan?” In 7 years of being a professional coach, I haven’t met any child or parent who actually had a plan of how they would handle it! That’s okay – we just need to integrate the planning of how to navigate our emotions and responses when plans get derailed.
Tools to Transform Anxiety into Curiosity
1. Anxiety Thermometer Check-In:
o Rate your anxiety on a scale of 1-10
o Identify physical sensations associated with your anxiety
2. Perfectionism Check Questions:
o “Is this expectation realistic?”
o “What is actually TRUE about this situation?” (It is true that things will be horrible, or will things be okay even if “it” doesn’t work out?)
o “What would happen if I allowed for imperfection here?”
o “How can I reframe this as an opportunity for growth?”
“TRUST THE LESSONS IN THE IMPERFECT CIRCUMSTANCES .”
– Kiva Schuler (CEO of the Jai Institute for Parenting)
3. Safety Affirmation: “I am safe in this moment. Perfection is not required for safety or love. I choose to approach this situation with curiosity and openness to learn.”
Conclusion
Understanding the strong link between anxiety and perfectionism is crucial for breaking the cycle and fostering healthier mental patterns. By recognizing the signs, implementing coping strategies, and shifting our mindset from perfection to growth, we can create a more balanced and fulfilling life for ourselves and our children. Remember, the goal is progress, not perfection.
Need support?
Reach out for real-time skill-development support for you and your child with Coaching services. Email: ashley@ashleyanjlienkumar.net
Sources:
Enns, M. W., & Cox, B. J. (2002). The nature and assessment of perfectionism: A critical analysis. In G. L. Flett, P. L. Hewitt, G. L. Flett, P. L. Hewitt (Eds.) , Perfectionism: Theory, research, and treatment (pp. 33-62). Washington, DC, US: American Psychological Association. doi:10.1037/10458-002
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