Mixed Messages: The Hidden Cost of Contradictory Parenting and School Practices

Yesterday morning at breakfast, I noticed nail polish embedded into the grooves of our dining table. I recalled my son working with nail polish at the table the day before with the babysitter. Looks like a spill happened and in an attempt to clean it, the glittery silver goo dried up and settled into the table grooves.

Let me describe why I'm sharing this story:

In our modern world, children are bombarded with conflicting expectations, values, and instructions — not just from society at large, but from the very adults meant to guide and protect them. Whether it's at home or in school, kids are often faced with mixed messages that don’t line up. And when adults say one thing but do another, it’s not just confusing — it can create emotional and behavioral discord, making it harder for children to trust, regulate, and feel secure. Now, nobody's perfect, which is why a parent needs to repair after sending a contradictory message via words or actions, because it shows kids that the parent recognizes how they may tell their kids one thing, but might have done the opposite... If children see you're trying to work on the same things you preach, it supports any conflicting messaging they might be internalizing...

Now, back to the nail polish on the table. I recall how my own parents (and many parents I work with today) may have had an anxious response, raising their voices and admonishing the idea of any further use of nail polish at the table (or at all).

On a logical level, using nail polish remover will damage the table's surface top. Not that big of a deal to me in the grand scheme of things, but I know there is a learning opportunity here for the child and me as a parent. Now our own parents during our childhood might have "taught us a lesson" by yelling at us, punishing or demanding us to fix the problem.

Here's the challenge: we tell our kids to be kind and considerate, not overreact, not yell at others, behave, and the list goes on. But when we become reactive for a non-emergency issue like this, we end up modelling the opposite. As a trauma-aware coach, I recognize that reactivity like this has a trigger rooted in the past, so there is no judgment here on this... AND, we can work on becoming less reactive as we heal our triggers.

Screens: The Ultimate Mixed Message

Let’s start with a common contradiction. Parents often express frustration with their children’s screen use — complaining about addiction, lack of attention, and behavioral meltdowns. Yet, those same parents may gift an iPad at Christmas or hand over a phone during dinner to "keep the peace." At school, teachers may voice concerns about digital distraction or poor self-regulation, but also play movies or entertainment-based shows during lunch and snack breaks to keep students quiet.

This practice, while understandable in its intent to manage noise or overstimulation, sends a powerful mixed signal: Screens are both the problem and the solution.

We now know from research that excessive screen time can disrupt children's emotional and behavioral regulation. A study published in Computers in Human Behavior found that more screen exposure is correlated with emotional dysregulation and decreased psychosocial well-being.¹ Additionally, health professionals report an increase in "tech tantrums," or meltdowns caused by overstimulation and screen withdrawal.²

And yet — in both homes and classrooms — screens are used to pacify children during the very times they're meant to eat, connect, or decompress. I remember sharing my upset in social media mom's group about screen-use at every (yes, every) nourishment break in my child's classroom (which is a common practice in schools nowadays) and several moms came back to me with the idea that "kids need a break too." Sadly, giving kids screen time isn't giving their brains and nervous systems a "break."

The idea that entertainment-based screen time helps children "decompress" is a common belief—but it's scientifically flawed, especially when we examine what's actually happening in the child’s brain and nervous system during and after screen exposure. While it may look like kids are calming down when using screens, children are not experiencing true "rest and digest" (parasympathetic nervous system support) because the brain is being activated with stimulation-based dopamine releases (dopamine is the "hormone of more," not the "hormone of enough").

"Screen time desensitizes the brain’s reward system. Many children are “hooked” on electronics, and in fact, gaming releases so much dopamine—the “feel-good” chemical—that on a brain scan, it looks the same as cocaine use. But when reward pathways are overused, they become less sensitive, and more and more stimulation is needed to experience pleasure. Meanwhile, dopamine is also critical for focus and motivation, so needless to say, even small changes in dopamine sensitivity can wreak havoc on how well a child feels and functions."(2: Dr. Victoria L. Dunkley, Potsdam University)

Thus, children are being "soothed" with the very thing that contributes to later pathologies (such as inattentiveness, etc.) and kids get admonished for it. What an incredibly contradictory message to receive as a child...

Now, it would make sense if teachers and parents gave screens to their kids and expected and understood that some dysregulation, attention challenges, and inappropriate behavior might be the consequence of dopamine-looping screen consumption. But sadly, I hear about kids' attention challenges being punished in the very schools that feed them with regular screen time each day... This saddens and angers me at the same time.

When "Consequences" Contradict Developmental Needs

Here’s another contradiction that deserves attention: adults often respond to challenging behaviors by removing the very things kids need to regulate.

Even though we are now much farther along in understanding the child-brain, it's still not uncommon for a child to “lose” gym, recess, or playtime because of emotional outbursts or "disruptive behavior." But movement and social interaction are precisely the tools a developing brain uses to re-center. Removing these is akin to telling a drowning child that their consequence for flailing is the removal of a life jacket.

Instead of supporting regulation, this response to behavior deepens dysregulation.

Trauma-informed care teaches us that all behavior is communication. Kids aren’t acting out to be difficult — they’re expressing unmet needs. But when our responses are rooted in punishment rather than guidance, we create shame and distance rather than safety and growth.

When Adults Don't Walk Their Talk

Perhaps the most pervasive contradiction of all is this: adults expect behaviors in children that they don’t model themselves.

We ask children to be calm — while we raise our voices and slam doors.

We ask children to be honest — while they overhear us lie about why we’re late.

We ask them to “go play outside” — while we scroll social media for hours.

Children are confused by what we do that's not in alignment with what we say.

When an adult says one thing but does another, children are less likely to respect the message, internalize the value, or trust the adult as a credible source of guidance. In contrast, children whose caregivers modeled consistent behavior were more cooperative and more likely to adopt the desired values themselves.

Moral development in children is most powerfully shaped by what adults model. If a family says kindness and empathy matter, but children witness sarcasm, gossip, or exclusion, those stated values become hollow.

It’s Not Just About Shifting Rules — It’s About Integrity 

Children aren’t overwhelmed only because the world is complex or the rules seem to shift (which is true on many levels); what often unsettles them is the absence of integrity, when the adults around them don’t walk the talk.

Children are perceptive. The SUBCONSCIOUS MIND picks up messaging that we are not aware of, and this happens to children every day on various levels. The lack of congruence — between values that are spoken and values that are lived — disrupts their mental processing and even their emotional security.

In my kids’ self-esteem coaching work, one of the powerful modules we cover is Integrity — not as a lofty ideal, but as a daily practice: doing the right thing even when no one is watching. When adults live with integrity, they create an internal compass for the child to trust, follow, and feel safe within.

Integrity in family or classroom life means:

• If we speak about the harms of screens, we also examine how we as adults use them as pacifiers or stand-ins for connection or even to "regulate" or "decompress" (which we know it doesn't do effectively on a nervous system/brain level...)

• If we expect emotional regulation, we commit to modeling emotional regulation ourselves.

• If we say family time matters, we protect it from interruptions — including not checking emails, taking calls during meals, or being glued to our own tech devices.

Children are seeking stability in the values and behaviors modeled by the adults around them. Integrity isn’t just a lesson we teach — it’s the foundation we build, together.

Closing Thoughts

This isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being honest with ourselves and our kids.

Children deserve environments where the messages are clear, where the adults are aligned, and where guidance is rooted in compassion and integrity. The more consistent we are in what we say and do, the more emotionally safe and secure our children become.

So, how did I react to the nail polish embedded on my dining table? Well, I didn't yell. And my son got to see how the nail polish remover affected the tabletop, and how we now have a glittery silver section on our dining table (y'know, to add some pizzaz to rather ordinary brown table - Lol), and a new boundary was set: nail polish is to be used on the play mats or children's art desk areas and with a rag underneath to catch any spills. The kids understood and agreed.

We don’t need children to be perfectly behaved.

We need adults who are willing to lead with integrity and model the values they hope to see in the next generation. And even though I have written this, I am a student of life as well, still integrating healing and practicing living out our family values each day.

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References:

1. Twenge, J. M., & Campbell, W. K. (2018). Associations between screen time and lower psychological well-being among children and adolescents: Evidence from a population-based study. Computers in Human Behavior, 88, 315–320.

2. Allina Health. (n.d.). Post-Screen Time Anger & Frustration in Kids

3. Potsdam University: Dr. Victoria L. Dunkley: https://www.potsdam.edu/studentlife/wellness/counseling-center/what-does-screen-time-do-my-brain#:~:text=Screen%20time%20desensitizes%20the%20brain's%20reward%20system.&text=Meanwhile%2C%20dopamine%20is%20also%20critical,a%20child%20feels%20and%20functions.