Samantha sat at the kitchen table, her head in her hands, watching as her son, Ben, furiously tapped away at his tablet. Diagnosed with ADHD, Ben had always struggled with focus, but screens seemed to heighten the chaos. What started as a 20-minute break after school had spiraled into hours, leaving him overstimulated and irritable. When she asked him to turn it off, he exploded, throwing the tablet across the room in frustration. "You never understand!" he yelled, tears welling up in his eyes. Samantha felt the weight of guilt and helplessness. She wanted to give him some downtime but also knew the screens were affecting his mood, sleep, and ability to connect. Navigating boundaries around tech had become their toughest battle, and she longed for a solution that didn’t leave them both so drained.
Clinical research shows that tech-based-screen-use impacts various areas of the nervous system and the brain in children, but there are some specifics around those populations with ADHD or various types of neurodiversity. Not only that, but the brain regions that do get activated are the survival brain and limbic brain (fight/flight and emotional centres). The actual blue light from screens is stimulating in ways that don’t support brain health, and the faster the flashing images on the screen, the more impact on the brain…
Screen usage reduces activity in the frontal lobe (where more functional reasoning happens…), and stimulates reward pathways in the brain. According to Dr. Victoria Dunkley, “Screen time makes everything worse… and any reduction helps… But, going “cold turkey” works the best for ‘resetting the brain’; the dopamine receptors get reset…” and a lot more things get “reset” according to Dunkley.
Yet, to do it cold turkey would likely require parents to be incredibly involved in their child’s daily life to offer alternatives and a lot of emotional and physical connection (which I support AND recognize is difficult to do, especially in two-income households). And the biggest resistance I witness from parents in my coaching practice is this: time and career/work. How can we limit screens when we work full time?
One way, that I have advocated for is to start from an early age – limit or completely remove screen exposure for young kids. (Yes, it’s doable – I did it through age 2 for both kiddos.) And, basically, as soon as they are verbal – to provide deeply important information around emotions, and the fight or flight / stress response. Oh yes – you can! I ACTUALLY TEACH KIDS about their stress response and the nervous system responses (fight, flight, freeze) using stories! Through my teachings, kids are introduced to the difference between the “cheetah brain, the turtle brain and the owl brain” (using characters from my stories) and YES, kids can learn this stuff from a young age. I was happy to hear Dr. Victoria Dunckley literally validate my work that teaching kids about the human stress response from a young age is incredibly powerful. And I feel so happy to have shared this information with the families I coach.
Now, if you have older kids and you’re facing screen challenges, it’s a bit of a longer and tougher road unless you DO go “cold turkey” as suggested earlier. AND this may also not be the best method for you and your kids. Things get more nuanced and may require a lot more strategies, tools, techniques, experimenting and tweaking or adjusted approaches. I recall my pediatrician recommending a cold turkey approach for another challenge we faced as a family and he suggested I take time off work and other life commitments to ensure the shifts I wanted to see, happened. Basically he was saying “If you want this bad enough, you’ll figure out how to make this happen.” Now, if you know me at all, you know how much I talk about Family Values. Our values are at play at all times. The thing is that many of us haven’t clearly identified our values, and thus, often we may make choices that don’t actually align with our values, which in turn results in consequences we may not like. And, if we aren’t firmly rooted in our values, we will waffle in our decision making and struggle to hold boundaries and limits. You may want to consider my upcoming FAMILY VALUES AND BOUNDARIES WORKSHOP to help you get started on the right path. AND, I will boldly say that if it’s truly a high-enough value in your family life, then I’m sure you can find a way to do what you need to do around the idea of “cold-turkey” approaches. I’m not the one to tell you what works for you – you are!
Now, what if you do allow your kids screen time – like me? Well, a few things to understand first about my family context: I’ve talked to our kids about things like nervous system science, emotions, dopamine, emotional triggers and stress triggers, emotional regulation, impulse control, family values, boundaries and rules rooted in family values, connection, oxytocin and so many big topics since they were 2 years old! Our kids are very aware and accepting of not only the screen time limits we have, but also of the values that are in place around the limits – aka – they literally know why – including the science part of it! (Kids do better when they know “how” and “why” something works, is or is the way it is…)
And no, never would I expect that kids understand any one concept “perfectly” before we use it. Learning after all, is a process – not about perfection.
The sooner we start helping our kids understand themselves, the better, because over time and repetition of the concepts, they do get a bigger stronger understanding of why there are screen time limits in place. (P.S. That’s why I coach kids – I’m part of your village and cover ALL the topics I mentioned above with kids so you can have a “jumping off point” to implement and integrate effective ways of doing things in family life…) And, let me also be clear, that my kids “acceptance” is not the same as their approval. I do not need to have my child’s approval to implement a rule or boundary that supports their well-being. In other words, they don’t have to like it! It just needs to align with our highest values. One of the professionals I consider a mentor, Dr. Shefali, refers to something called “life affirming boundaries.” These are boundaries that support life itself! To have life-affirming boundaries, we must know what our life-affirming values are! I talk a lot more about this in my live 2 part workshop for kids and parents. Check out when we’re doing the next one here.
Now – how I approach the boundary, limit or rule matters: Do I approach with an authoritarian hand or an authoritative hand?
If your kids DO get screen time, having some “approved” choices based on research that are “better” (subjective) will be another thing to do. Some basic guidelines on this based on research are that movies are “better than” modern shows (because there is a story line that builds up more slowly, and fewer fast flashing images than “tv/streaming shows”); choose slower paced shows with fewer flashing images; choose shows or movies that reflect your family values and themes you align with.
When / if you do go “cold turkey” you’ll have to have a lot of STRUCTURE in their day, with routines, and lots of busy-work. According to clinicians who support the cold-turkey method, parents after three weeks or so say “I’ve finally got my kids back…” or “I didn’t know how much my child likes drawing / clay / art,” etc.
Want to know another INTENSE bit of info? Your child’s dopamine system is correlated to their “attachment pathway,” and so that “attachment” to screens is competing with YOUR attachment with your child. That’s a tough gig! Myself, having grown up with major attachment trauma (which is a type of developmental trauma), that is a BIG deal. (Attachment science impacts everyone, and attachment styles impact LITERALLY every relationship your child will have in the future – including the one they have with you…)
Now, there is a lot of talk out there that amongst parent groups and software makers and on social media, that “kids have to learn this” or “that” involving technology, but as Dr. Dunkley confirms, these claims are unfounded. The fundamentals of math, reading, writing, and science are far more essential to achieving "life or career success" than technology use, because those core subjects are what drive the creation of technology. It’s not the technology itself that’s critical, but the knowledge behind it. Moreover, research shows that Emotional Intelligence is the strongest predictor of life success and happiness in the long-run. And it’s critical to remember that we’re raising kids who will be adults for most of their life. So, setting them up for brain-health and life success involves making certain life shifts…
I would also advise caution when encountering marketing that uses “statistics” to push apps or technology-based programs, claiming they improve "reading and math skills" by a specific amount due to their use. Reading and math skills can also improve without technology use too 😊. I know that sounds “old school” – but hear me out! The statistics these software makers are usually presenting is based on the app use itself, and not in comparison to non-device use for measuring improvement of reading or math skills. Just like scientists would compare a drug’s effectiveness to a placebo, it would be a truly scientific method and present more accurate results. If you do use these apps, I would recommend using them as “supplementary” tools instead of the main tool for supporting your kiddos. There are so many reasons why I say this, and the first one that comes to mind is that there is research to claim that the ADHD brain craves dopamine, so every time the app talks back or give a certain kind of feedback (like the app my kids use in school does), kids get a little shot of dopamine. So of course, they want more – thus, even if it’s educational, we gotta really dive-deeper into the brain health of that particular child, and decide what takes precedence in the long-term!
Sometimes the question comes up “Can children actually get addicted to screens?” The answer is an overarching YES. Again, you don’t have to take my word for it, the research is out there. AND, you will still encounter a ton of resistance not only from your kids, but also others in your family, extended family and friends… And of course, the marketing you see on the internet, etc. will have companies wanting you to get their stuff… so being mindfully aware of this is important whether your children are neurodiverse or not.
On a personal note, apparently kids in schools in the public school system in my city are exposed to entertainment-based screens DAILY during lunchtime with the premise that it “helps them focus” during the mealtime (so eating and watching). And, I’m being told that this is a common practice in my city and has been so for more than a decade (coinciding with the all-too-convenient use of streaming services and upsurge in the use of tablets and smartboards in schools). Literally the research points in the other direction, describing the long-term negative impact of this habit. As a mindfulness teacher myself, who reads about schools aiming to increase mindfulness practices in schools, I find it contradictory… (okay I won’t go down that rabbit hole just now…). I fully understand limited lunch-time staffing and resources… and thus the issue is then a “system” problem.
Technology-screen-use has been shown to often contribute to poor regulation and behaviour challenges in school (which then exacerbates the whole cycle!) (Part of me wants to shout from the rooftops “You can’t give the kids dysregulating screen-time and then complain about their behaviour,”; the justification is that it pacifies the kids so they ahem behave during the lunch period when teachers are not in the room and volunteer lunch supervisors are in charge or there is limited supervision). Aggh! One might argue “Well, it matters more ‘what’ they’re watching.” Yes AND the brain IS impacted during screen-consumption. So, me and my strong beliefs around this, go and collect my kid at the beginning of the lunch hour so she can eat with me, and then drop her off to a lunch supervisor on the playground when she’s done eating (because I also value her socialization). It’s not convenient of course, but I’m so committed to my values around screen time and well-being/brain-health that I’m willing to do it. Thankfully my kiddo doesn’t see this as problem because we have instilled strong values and boundaries from age 2 around screens and well-being… She understands the ‘why’. In fact, she likes being able to see me and her brother in the middle of the day.
P.S. What did Dr. Victoria Dunckley say is the worst gadget? She said the “iPad.” It’s just too convenient.
P.P.S. Why did I use Dr. Victoria Dunkley so much in this message – I recently did some training with her 😊, that’s why. The training was called “The Must-Know, Hard-to-Hear Facts for Parents Raising ADHD Kids in a Tech-Driven World.” (Dr. Victoria Dunckley, Award-Winning Integrative Psychiatrist Dually Certified by the American Boards of Psychiatry & Child Psychiatry)
NOW, if your child has gotten screen-time, and transitioning off is a challenge…
On one hand, it might seem perfectly reasonable to expect an 11-year-old to “wind down” their game and stop at a natural point (even neurotypical kids often struggle with this, to be honest...). However, for a child with time-blindness (common with ADHD) and a brain seeking dopamine, it can be particularly challenging to step away from a dopamine-boosting video game or show. Thus it can actually become an unrealistic expectation for an 11 year old with ADHD, let alone a 7 year old with ADHD. (Keeping in mind that impulse control and self-control develops very gradually as the brain matures through the age of 25.) (Just a reminder that the dopamine system becomes further unbalanced with excessive use of anything that drives dopamine; screen/tech use DOES this…)
Next, let’s be honest. Are we as parents modelling healthy or limited technology use also? If any “free” moment we get, we grab our phones compulsively and start scrolling or responding to emails and texts, how are we doing with our modelling? We need to be accountable and stand in self-responsibility and leadership of our family…
What if we reframed our goal away from “just stop screen use” to “increase brain health?” For brain health, resetting the dopamine system is critical and this might mean cold-turkey as Dr. Dunckley recommends, otherwise strong reductions to the overall family tech use.
In the end, I’m in the camp of “limited use.” Screens are here to stay…for now. So, the question with anything becomes, “How do I help my child have an effective relationship with ________________ (whatever it is – be it food, screens, or other humans – what about themselves and their parents?)”
Just like I often say to many parents in my coaching practice, it’s not only about the “thing” itself, its what’s under the “thing” that we need to zoom out and understand. For example, is it the video game itself, or whatever is at play under the game? For example, if a child tends to gravitate to violent video games, are they needing additional healthier alternatives of aggression release (the answer is YES – kids need to release aggression – it’s a natural impulse of kids with emotional energy and we need to develop healthy release strategies for them…).
Ok – back to the idea of expecting kids to “wind down” a game/show… Is it reasonable to expect kids to just “stop, drop, and roll?” (80’s reference.) Meaning, drop the controller and jump up to the next task? Kids need transition time, and neurodivergent kids often need more transition time or advanced warning of the upcoming transition time… If your kids play video games online with friends, have you asked your children what steps are involved in stopping? According to what other families say, finishing the segment of the game they’re on, saying goodbye to online friends, making plans for the next gaming session, creating plans around the upcoming gaming session, and any other agreements, actually saving the game details, and turning off the game and putting the controller down, etc. it can actually take 15-20 minutes to stop. Being of South Asian descent, people in my culture know that at the end of a family gathering, “goodbyes” take at least 15-20 minutes – truly! So this makes sense to me. And in today’s “go-go-go” “gotta be productive all the time” lifestyles, we aren’t positioning ourselves or our kids to nurture these meaningful transitions… and nagging and yelling simply impacts a child’s self-esteem negatively. So, adjusting our expectations, tweaking an re-tweaking limits, boundaries, routines and structures can become the norm as we raise kids so we can find what works for the family’s well-being overall.
Now let’s shift gears. We already know about the dopamine stuff. What about authenticity? Many children, even in their own homes, especially the teenagers I coach, find it difficult to “show up authentically” as their true selves because of fear of judgment or criticisms. The advent of social media exacerbates this challenge. I grew up in a home FULL of criticism and a focus on my flaws and what I wasn’t doing well enough. The only time I felt safe enough to be myself was when I was by myself! And I didn’t grow up in the era of handheld world-in-my-pocket-devices where I could disappear into something other than my own tangible realities. So, with these technological gadgets in hand that connects kids to the rest of the world, it makes sense they would want to disappear into their rooms and just “Be” with a video game or show up a certain way on social media for a sense of belonging. On SM, we do open ourselves up to judgment and criticisms, but the hope for “likes” and approval keep driving the dopamine seeking brain to repeat the habit of posting for a “ping” of approval. I’ll be honest, I get a “ping of approval” even when someone takes the time to reply to a text message! So, it also makes sense that texting can be more attractive to young minds than talking in person.
Aaagh! It sounds like a lot parents – I know that.
Yet the solutions are not complicated, but they do take effort and planning.
One thing to ask yourself, is “What is it that I want my child to have more of?” Is it peace? Regulation? Emotional safety to be themselves? Whatever your answer is, put plans in place and execute them to help you help your child to get that… We want parents to become partners with their kids to support them - not do for them, not micro-manage, not take control of all things or dictate, etc. But to collaborate…
As a Master Certified Parenting Coach and Certified Kids Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence Coach, I work long-term with highly committed families to learn the best ways for their unique family to do this. Everything I offer is evidence-based, research-based and relies heavily on nervous system and neuroscientific principles. Feel free to reach out and book a FREE Parent Coaching consult and/or Kids Coaching Consult to see how we can work together. I have limited spots in my schedule, thus I choose to work with HIGHLY committed families – that means the ones ready to dig into the work, so only book a consult if you think that’s you.
Here's to your family’s well-being!
Yours in Confidence,
Ashley Anjlien Kumar
The Confidence Coach (for Kids and Parents).
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