I was recently asked by someone in webinar: How can we support a child with huge emotions/actions that impact class/staff in school. It is now impacting other students in the class by mimicking emotions/actions.

Supporting a child with big emotions and actions in the classroom is a complex challenge that requires a compassionate, individualized approach. No two children are the same—neural wiring, trauma history, sensory sensitivities, neurodivergence, parent involvement, and even the teacher’s approach all play a role. Thus, there is no “blanket” answer that will cover all the bases.
First, let’s reframe our perspective: All behavior is communication. I’m proposing a theory here, a theory purported by child-experts around the world: what if… instead of asking, "How do we stop this behavior?" we asked "What is this behavior trying to tell us?"
Yes, it’s likely we want to stop the behaviour. The problem is that even though we want the negative behavior to stop, any controlling methods will likely be short-term at best. And if controlling methods (that means, methods that attempt to control the child) are used as the default or standard practice (such as isolation, punishment and removal of privileges), we are very likely to negatively impact the self-esteem of the child. Humans have the urge to control in situations that are…. Drumroll please… not in their realm of control. It makes sense. Something negative is happening, so our urge is to want to stop it. Knowing that we don’t control anyone but ourselves, how can we support children with big negative behaviors or emotions? Sadly, the underfunding of educational systems affect how well a single teacher is able to respond to a classroom full of students. But, regardless of systemic issues, it can help if teachers and support staff have at least the education and awareness around the possibilities that exist in supporting these children.
Okay. Let’s dive in:
Understanding What’s Beneath the Behavior
A child struggling with emotional regulation is not intentionally causing harm—they are expressing an internal struggle externally. Expecting self-regulation without developmental readiness is an uphill battle, and when children internalize that they are "failing" to meet expectations, it negatively affects their self-esteem. Afterall, I’m a self-esteem and self-confidence coach for kids – so my answers will aim at helping people understand how to grow resilient children…
Often, the emotions driving big behaviors include:
Fear: A fear that their needs won’t be met (whether emotional, social, or physical).
Overwhelm: Sensory overload, lack of predictability, or unmet relational needs.
Fatigue/Hunger: Basic needs can heavily impact emotional regulation.
A need for connection & co-regulation: Children learn to regulate emotions through safe, responsive relationships.
What Can Educators & Caregivers Do?
Regulate Yourself First – Your nervous system sets the tone. A grounded and present adult can help co-regulate a dysregulated child. So long as a caregiver can do this without judgment of the child or the situation, we’re golden. Yet, this is a hard task for most people. So having a plan is an important part of the conscious discipline and conscious caregiving. I work with parents to help them develop actual written plans on how to respond to their emotions first!
Shift from Judgment to Curiosity – Instead of assuming defiance, ask: What is this child experiencing right now? What do they need?
Lower Your Voice & Approach Gently – A loud voice can activate a stress response, making regulation harder. So as caregivers, we’re either exacerbating the fear (which is one of the root causes of a child’s anger for example,) and shooting ourselves in the foot long-term, or creating a deep internalized fear of speaking up and trusting they will actually be heard and understood… which causes challenges during adulthood. A more steady tone and regular or even, quiet voice signals safety. Getting on the child’s level in close proximity so long as the caregiver feels safe to do so is important.
Ensure Physical Safety – If others are at risk, calmly guide them to another area while maintaining a compassionate approach toward the child in distress.
Support Regulation – A classroom Regulation Station can provide tools for the nervous system (breathing strategies, sensory objects, comfort items or sensory release items like a stress ball to squeeze when angry, or pillow to shout into helps release negative tension).
When the negative behaviour and big emotions have passed, out-of-the-moment, is when to Teach Regulation Skills (when the child is in the Green Zone)– Skills must be practiced in a calm state to be accessible during stress. This is because when the brain becomes highly emotional, the rational more logical part of the brain starts to shut down and it moments of stress, the brain cannot recall the skills or strategies it “should” use. Instead, out of the moment, we need to build the neural circuits / or muscle memory of the skills/strategies we hope our kids to engage in. Without this, we are NOT setting them up for success.
Adjust Expectations Based on Development, Not Just Age – Maturity, social-emotional development, and neurodiversity all impact regulation ability. Maybe, for certain children, we need to reassess our expectations. Most parents I’ve coached have all admitted that they expect more of their child than the child is likely developmentally able to handle.
Model Healthy Emotional Responses – When adults demonstrate self-regulation, children can mirror these strategies.
Build a Classroom Plan – Help students understand: What do we do when someone has big feelings? Do we mimic, or do we offer support or space? Having a written plan helps to jog the brain. As a teacher myself, I would review this plan each week with kids… and maybe once a day. I might make a rhyme or some catchy phrase to help kids remember the plan which can reviewed in one minute or less. Here’s a special gift to you educators who want to use this:
When feelings grow both big and strong,
We don’t mock or play along.
Instead, we pause, we help, we guide,
With open hearts, we stand beside.
A gentle voice, a steady pace,
Gives them comfort, warmth, and space.
We breathe, we wait, we lend a hand,
To help them feel and understand.
With calm, we lead, with care, we stay,
Co-regulation lights the way.
Coping tools, both tried and true,
Bring back balance, start anew.
-Written by Ashley Anjlien Kumar, The Confidence Coach for Kids and Parents.
10. Prioritize Self-Care for Educators – Teachers and caregivers have it pretty rough sometimes. I’ve taught in schools locally in my city, and they are definitely underpaid publics service workers. So, as much as you can teachers and support staff, try to prioritize self-care. Self-care primes your nervous system to increase the capacity to handle a child’s big feelings and big behaviours. It’s a tough gig, so your own “bucket” needs to be refilled on a daily basis: same goes for working parents.
In conclusion, this isn’t about having a “one-size-fits-all” answer. Instead, it’s about seeing the whole child, not just their behavior, and meeting them with the safety and support they need to build resilience over time. It’s not easy my friends, but there it is.
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