Your Neurodivergent Child Doesn’t take a compliment or positive feedback! Now what?
- Ashley Anjlien Kumar
- Jun 20
- 9 min read
Ever felt like anything you say to your neurodivergent child—even a compliment—turns into yelling, shutting down, quitting, a tantrum or meltdown? You might experience both a feeling of bewilderment and defeat wondering how saying something positive can create such a "negative outcome?" You might think, “I’m not a good enough parent,” or "What did I do wrong?"....
But what if that sensitivity is not your failure—but your child’s deep wiring—and that understanding could change everything?
Story
Last week, I heard from a mom: “I told him how proud I was, and suddenly he shut down like I’d yelled at him. I froze. My heart sank—I thought, ‘I’ve failed him again.’”
That pause? It’s a crossroads—between believing you're “not enough” and discovering what is enough. What if we could understand the wiring behind that “shutdown,” and guide parents to rewrite their old inner-script?
Background
Have you heard of the phrase “highly sensitive child?” “They often have a more reactive nervous system.”[i] Although there isn’t a hard and fast rule that all children with neurodivergence struggle with the traits commonly associated to “highly sensitive,” “there is some overlap in that many Autistic and ADHD children are more likely to have heightened sensitivity…”[ii]
And, many neurodivergent children often experience intense negative self‑talk that shapes their reactions.
Also, have you heard about the “Double Empathy challenge”: The term “double empathy problem” was coined by Damian Milton, an autistic autism researcher. In very short words (that does not cover the depth and breadth of the research), it describes how neurotypical parents to neurodivergent children have difficulty empathizing and therefore understanding each other in relationship.[iii] And not because of a flaw or fault in either the parent or the child. It’s that two people with different ways of experiencing the world (like a neurotypical parent and a neurodivergent child) can struggle to understand each other.
It’s a two-way street of misunderstanding, not a one-way “deficit.” And there isn’t anyone to blame.
One way to support the parent-child dynamic in order to improve empathic understanding is to consistently speak from a place of what I call “feelings and needs.” The goal of this approach isn’t to get the child to change their behavior instantly in that moment; it’s to model what it means to share our feelings and needs so that an empathic relationship can be built over time. And with that comes the parent's role in "empathy-guessing" their child's feelings and needs. Why? Because neurodivergent children can struggle to name their emotions and label their thoughts. This is where explicit emotional coaching with a self-esteem coach like myself has helped kids. AND, basic tools like emotion charts, needs charts, etc. help because they provide a tangible visual tool. Tangible visual tools help kids (neurotypical or neurodivergent) because the pre-frontal cortex is the last part of the brain to fully mature in children, which is where our "rational, thinking and noticing brain" lives; and so they will need support with their "words" and support with noticing what's going on inside them. You can access my Kids Needs Cue Cards here to get the ball rolling when it comes to learning about and understanding needs. In summary, kids need to be modelled, and often, explicitly taught about feelings and needs. When we know how the other person feels, it can support with understanding and connection which lends to empathy.
(What about the highly empathic ND individuals? The approach still applies because its building emotional language that "names it" (to tame it) and gives context to the inner experience highly empathic kids have, instead of just picking up other people's feelings and reacting to them through behavior. With that said, this skill is built over time, so behavioral reactions are still part and parcel of the whole gamut, yet using the language of feelings and needs supports the child's development overall).
In terms of modelling, for example, if a parent says “I felt really frightened when the train suddenly honked the horn,” versus shouting “Damn train!” it shows that feelings are something everyone experiences, including the less-than-desired ones. And we’ve moved away from labeling the train as “damned.” The more labelling of "things and people" we do, the more our kids pick up the habit...
In tricky situations, it could be that a parent says “I felt worried about you missing the bus and I needed to know you’re safe.” Over time, we aim to support kids to share their inner-goings-on with us as their parents by modelling this kind of communication. And if they continue to struggle with that, professional support is warranted.
Okay, so getting back on track:
When a child reacts unexpectedly—or even negatively—to positive feedback, we can do three things:
#1: Shift away from person-based or evaluative praise (“You’re so smart!”) toward process-, effort-, or descriptive-based praise (“I noticed you working [hard?]on your project.”). This kind of feedback supports autonomy and reduces pressure to perform. (Ask me more about this! The "hard" is in brackets for a reason...)
#2: In the moment, when big emotions erupt due to positive feedback you've shared, you can respond with fewer words and more presence. Some neurodivergent children find it difficult to process verbal input (on it's own especially), and thus if there’s a lot of it, specifically in socially complex moments, their brains may become overwhelmed trying to decode not just the words, but the tone, facial expression, and unspoken expectations—all at once, leading to big behaviors. Less is more with connection: Co-regulation research (e.g., Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory) shows that children often calm more effectively through safe, calm presence than through verbal explanation. Your stillness, tone, and proximity can be more regulating than words when you’ve given praise and the outcome wasn’t what you expected.
#3: Focus on the decision not the outcome of your attempted praise/feedback: you’re not perfect – no one is! We’ve been conditioned in a world where saying “Good job,” etc. is commonplace, so yes, our excitement, pride and praise will come out with our kids. Stay connected to your intention which was to support your child. When we become highly attached to the outcome of something, in this case, how our child receives our praise, we end up experiencing some of that “not-enough-ness” we discussed earlier… Not because we directly think it, but an ingrained belief rears it’s head…
Continue to do the work in #1 and #2, and give yourself grace parents! It’s not an easy gig this parenting journey.
Okay, so now you’re probably like, “Give me the solutions Ashley!” The internet era has taught me we humans often look for solutions, even when there isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. Here’s a few guidance tips at the very least:
🌱 Guidance Tips:
1. Reframe Sensitivity as Insight, Not Rejection
Strategy: Remember—this isn't rejection, it's a nervous system saying, “I’m not able to handle your feedback right now.”
Action: Use reflective noticing, not fixing.
“I hear you. That didn’t land. I’ll give you some space and stay close.”
Parent Affirmation: “Their reaction isn’t something I need to take personally. Their depth is their brilliance. I’m learning to meet it.”
2. Use Descriptive, Low-Pressure Praise
Strategy: Shift from person-based praise (“You’re amazing!”) to descriptive, effort-based observations - these often begin with the words "I noticed," which meets the core psycho-social-emotional need "to be seen."
Action:
“I noticed you took the garbage out and shut the lid."
“I noticed how you lined everything up." [Context of child playing cars or Lego.] (Gentle smile - if they're receptive to gentle smiles.)
Why? It supports the need for emotional safety. There’s no social pressure or pressure to "perform".
Another example: Artwork Praise That Backfires
Your child walks in the door and hands you a drawing they made at school. You immediately respond with: "Wow! This is amazing! You're such a great artist - I love the colors, the lines and everything. Let's hang it up!"
But instead of smiling, they go quiet… maybe they pull it back, change the subject, or say, “It’s not that good,” and walk away.
🧠 What’s happening?
Although your intention was to connect and affirm, their nervous system may still be processing the social-emotional weight of the art experience—maybe the teacher commented on it, maybe they had self-doubt about it, maybe peers watched, or maybe it was deeply personal.
In that moment, all your words—even positive ones—feel too close, too fast. Their system interprets it as pressure or spotlight instead of support.
✔️ Try this instead (low-pressure, descriptive praise): "You brought your drawing home. I see gold and red here." Then pause. If they stay open, you might gently offer: "Would you like to tell me about it, or just hang it up somewhere?"
This gives space for agency.
Parent Affirmation: “My noticing is landing and that’s healthy.”
3. Lead with Presence, Not Performance when Praise isn't received well.
Strategy: Many neurodivergent kids struggle to process praise or feedback in real-time—especially with lots of words that act as a flood of evaluation.
Action: Soften your tone. Say less. Let connection be nonverbal: sit near them, offer a fidget, start a parallel activity.
“Would it help to talk later?”
Parent Affirmation: “I don’t need the ‘right words’ to connect—my calm presence speaks volumes.
4. Repair Without Rushing
Strategy: When connection efforts misfire, avoid diving into emotional explanations. First co-regulate, then reflect. (And if you’re feeling dysregulated in the mismatch of experiences, then self-regulate first…)
Action: A sample script could be like:
“I think that compliment came out very strongly from me. We can talk later.”
“[Soften tone/body/face] “I meant to share a warm feeling. I can try again later.”
Parent Affirmation: “I don’t need perfection to parent well. Repair supports our relationship.”
5. Stay Curious Instead of Self-Critical
Strategy: When your child reacts, your inner voice might say, “I messed up again,” or it might even be critical of your child “God, why can’t they just take a compliment?” Gently with lots of grace and empathy for yourself and your child, move that guilt and outward projection into compassionate curiosity over time and with practice. (This is a learning process, so go easy on yourself parents!)
Action: Journal or voice-note to yourself:
“What did I expect from that moment? What might they have needed instead?”
Parent Affirmation: “My child’s reaction is about their inner experience, not a measurement of my worth. We can find a way through this.”
SOME IMPORTANT THINGS TO KNOW AND TUNE INTO ABOUT YOUR SPECIFIC CHILD:
Self-reports from autistic or ADHD individuals frequently note that praise made them feel exposed, anxious, or prompted them to stop altogether. There could be several linked reasons for this (including -but not limited to - the experience of doubt and not living up to the praise in the future, making it easier and “safer” to quit than to have to deal with that inner invisible pressure.)
The amount of negative feedback a child is exposed to affects their ability to receive positive feedback because the internalized experience of negative feedback is very powerful that even if someone says something positive, it can create the experience of the praise being “unpredictable” (in that it was unexpected by the child based on their regular exposure to criticism or correction from others – especially adult caregivers and teachers – this is related to neural pathways and the cognitive expectancy bias theory: Well-documented in both child and adult psychology—frequent criticism trains the brain to expect the negative… The Science Behind It (in simple terms):
The brain builds pathways based on repetition. If a child hears:
“That’s not right… why did you do that?... try harder… stop doing that…”
more often than: “I love how you tried… that was creative… I noticed your effort…”
...then their brain wires to expect more of the same negativity. This is called negative expectancy bias—and it becomes a lens through which feedback is filtered.
So when they hear something positive, it’s like an internal record scratch:
“Wait—what’s the catch?”
“Do they really mean it?”
“What am I supposed to do with that?”
Their body may brace, fidget, shut down, or even reject the compliment—not because they don’t want to feel good, but because their brain hasn’t yet learned how to receive good.
💭 “Does all this feel like you’d always be walking on eggshells around your neurodiverse child?”
If it does—you’re not alone. So many caring parents feel this way when they first start learning about sensory needs, feedback sensitivities, or communication styles that differ from their own.
But here’s the truth: This isn’t about walking on eggshells. It’s about learning a new rhythm—one that honors your child’s nervous system and your own capacity at the same time.
You’re not being asked to tiptoe. You’re being invited to tune in. Like any other learning you ever do—it takes thought and effort in the beginning, and maybe for several years even. AND, with the right tools and support, it becomes less like managing a meltdown minefield…and more like building a shared language.
One where your child feels emotionally safer… and you feel more confident and connected. You're not expected to get this perfect. We're asking you to stay curious, open, and resourced. That’s where coaching comes in. You don’t have to do this alone—or figure it all out today.
Let’s take it one gentle step at a time—together.
🌿 Ready for deeper shifts?
Coaching with me offers personalized support. A large majority of my child-clients are neurodiverse, and a large majority of the parents I coach are raising neurodivergent children. We can start to carve a path forward together: we’ll create:
Emotion + sensory mapping tools
Repair scripts for feedback moments
Nervous system strategies for parent-child regulation
Mindset coaching to gently rewire your “I’m not enough” story
A clear path to turn shutdown into shared safety
📩 Next Steps
Are you ready to stop taking it personally—and start parenting with clarity and confidence?
Let’s talk. Book your complimentary consultation, and let’s gently unpack this together and build plans for supporting your family dynamics. Visit my webpage to book a FREE Parent Coaching Consult here.
1. [iii] Milton, Damian (2012) On the ontological status of autism: the ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society, 27 (6). pp. 883-887. ISSN 0968-7599. (doi:10.1080/09687599.2012.710008) (KAR id:62639)
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