So I listened to this podcaster yesterday, a relationship and dating coach -- and I looked him up because I saw a video where he said something like “If you don’t address the emotion, you’ll never end a fight with a woman.”
I was intrigued. When I listened to the podcast where he addressed this, well the problem was that although his statements are valid, he wasn’t using anything scientific to back it up other than his opinion. Yes, I understand life experience can teach someone the idea that addressing emotions before addressing logic with a person you’re in conflict with is far more effective. Yet, every day in my Parent Coaching practice I encounter parents who continue to address their highly emotional kids with logic (and yes, there is a reason why parents do this, and there is no blame or judgment here… once we understand why we do this, it can help us in moving to a more helpful pattern – but that’s a topic for another time). Yes - each person is entitled to their opinion, just as this podcaster is. AND, when science can back it up – let’s back it up, people!
Now, I will aim my message at the parent-child dynamic today, but let me be UBER CLEAR – this applies to spousal and all other relationships as well.
The podcaster was frustrated by how negatively many men view women’s emotions, pointing out the patriarchal belief that logic is superior to emotion. While it's common to label women as the more "emotional ones" in relationships, there’s actually biological science showing why that’s beneficial in family dynamics. Before diving in, I want to clarify two things:
I've been trained in psychology, trauma, and the nervous system by both men and women, and some of my most impactful teachers have been men like Dr. Peter Levine and Dr. Stephen Porges, (this is not a bias, more of an appeal to men who might be reading this that would care to know this...),
These experts, who are pioneering researchers, understand why addressing emotions first leads to more peaceful, connected relationships. And if you’re reading this, it's because you want that for your family, right? Let’s continue.
Why Address Emotions Before Logic in Any Relationship, Especially Parent-Child?
Human responses to life events, from a child stomping up the stairs in frustration to a spouse slamming a door, are driven by a deeply hierarchical process in the brain and body, primarily through the nervous system. (“Life events” for this discussion is any stimulus that occurs in day-to-day life situations.) This process reflects an automatic, neurobiological cascade that begins long before logical thought kicks in.
1. Sensory Perception & Nervous System Response:
The first thing that happens when we experience a life event is that our senses (sight, sound, touch, etc.) take in information from the environment. This sensory input is sent to the brain, specifically to the thalamus, which acts as a relay station. The thalamus directs this information to different areas of the brain, including the amygdala (our internal “threat” detector) and prefrontal cortex (PFC) (our executive functioning center). It’s important to note that the PFC is the last part of the brain to fully mature in children and it doesn’t do that until past age 25.
At the same time, our autonomic nervous system (ANS), particularly the sympathetic nervous system (SNS), is activated if the brain perceives the event as threatening or overwhelming. This triggers the body's fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. Importantly, this response occurs before the logical part of the brain (the PFC) can even assess the situation.
So… all of this happens in a matter of milliseconds…
2. The Hierarchy of the Brain and Brain Development:
Survival Brain (Brainstem):
At the base of this hierarchy is the brainstem deep inside the brain, responsible for basic survival functions—keeping us alive by regulating heart rate, breathing, and fight/flight responses. When someone perceives danger or stress, this part of the brain supports reacting quickly to ensure survival. This is the most active part of the newborn child’s brain.
Emotional Brain (Limbic System):
Above the brainstem is the limbic system, which includes the amygdala and hippocampus. The amygdala detects potential threats and works with the hippocampus and other brain organs to initiate emotional responses such as fear, anger, or sadness, often before the logical brain can intervene (the hippocampus is associated with emotional memory storage). Neurochemicals such as cortisol (stress hormone) and adrenaline are released, heightening the emotional reaction. Now let’s be clear: what the amygdala detects as a “potential threat” can be emotional and mental threats too, not just physical threats. And these, in terms of the nervous system, create “stress.” For example, if we deeply want someone to understand us, but the other person just isn’t “getting it,” – this can be interpreted as a threat and raise the experience of anger or frustration in our body. In terms of child brain development, the Limbic system operates the most strongly throughout childhood and young adult years when a stimulus occurs that initiates a stress response. And it makes sense! The emotions drive actions and this is critical for humankind to survive. How marvelous!
Logical Brain (Prefrontal Cortex):
The last to engage when experiencing a stimulus, is the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for higher-order functions like reasoning, decision-making, and impulse control. However, when emotions run high, the PFC’s ability to operate is significantly diminished, leading to reactive, emotional behaviors rather than thoughtful, logical responses. Studies show that the PFC takes much longer to initiate… and this will be impacted by a person’s age and trauma experiences as well. (Here’s an incredible research paper from the National Library of Medicine on how the PFC is impacted by stress.)
3. Emotional Response Before Logic:
As emotions are triggered, the amygdala and related structures release neurochemicals that prepare the body for immediate action. These emotions flood the system in a matter of seconds, hijacking the PFC. This process is known as amygdala hijack, where the emotional brain takes over, bypassing the slower, more rational PFC. The result? Emotions like anger, frustration, or fear surge, and the logical brain is left playing catch-up.
Thoughts begin to form, often as a result of the emotions experienced. For example, if a child stomps up the stairs, a parent might feel frustration, which then triggers the thought, “My child is being disrespectful.” This thought can feed back into more frustration, creating a cycle where thoughts and emotions fuel each other, ultimately leading to reactive behaviors (e.g., yelling, slamming doors). Again – all these things are happening within seconds! A child may cognitively “know” that their parents consider stomping up the stairs “disrespectful,” but they’ve done it before they even think! This is normal! Hence, parents (and anyone in meaningful relationships) must build the capacity to “not take it personally” when things like this occur.
4. Values, Beliefs, and Needs Under the Iceberg:
Beneath any observable behavior (e.g., a child’s stomping or a parent’s yelling) lies an intricate web of values, beliefs, emotions, thoughts, and needs. These are often unconscious and drive our emotional responses and interpretations of situations. For instance, a parent may react strongly to a child’s stomping because it conflicts with their belief in the importance of respect, or it may trigger a core need for acknowledgment or the urge to control. Similarly, a child’s behavior may be driven by unmet emotional needs, such as the need for autonomy or validation.
These underlying dynamics are like the "underwater" part of an iceberg: unseen and powerful. Addressing just the behavior (the tip of the iceberg) becomes ineffective when emotional triggers (the massive, unseen base) are at play.
5. Hierarchical Response Pattern:
Here’s how the response pattern unfolds:
Incoming stimulus (e.g. child stomping, spouse slamming door)
Nervous system activation: The brainstem and amygdala respond, triggering a survival-based emotional reaction.
Neurochemical release: Cortisol and adrenaline release preparing the body for action (e.g. increased heart rate, tense muscles).
Emotional response: The person feels intense emotions like frustration, anger, or fear.
Thought formation: Emotions can lead to something called automatic thoughts or more specifically “automatic negative thoughts” (e.g. “They’re being disrespectful,” “They’re not listening to me”). Thoughts can also initiate more emotions…
Behavioral response: Thoughts and emotions lead to actions (yelling, stomping, withdrawing, slamming doors).
Delayed Logical reasoning: Only once the emotional storm settles can the prefrontal cortex reengage, allowing for reflective and rational thought.
6. Emotional Regulation & Timing of Logical Response:
Addressing someone who is in the middle of a strong emotional reaction with logic is ineffective and can exacerbate the situation. This includes attempts at repair. The number of times my husband has defensively shouted “sorry” during the middle of a disagreement… Shouting an apology during a conflict isn’t effective, and let’s say you’re calm, but the other person isn’t, is it truly going to be effective to apologize when they’re more in their emotional brain? The emotional brain is in charge, and until the nervous system and emotional state are regulated, logical reasoning won’t land - this includes effective attempts at repair. (Oh, and holding it over the other person's head that "I already said I'm sorry, what else do you want?" isn't effective either...)
The key is to "be with" the person in their emotional state without judgment, dismissing, invalidating, or negating their experience. This involves acknowledging the emotions, creating a sense of safety, and regulating the nervous system—both theirs and your own. Techniques like active listening, validating feelings, and co-regulation (helping someone move towards calm by staying calm yourself) are critical.
Only when the nervous system returns to the “green zone”—a state of safety and emotional regulation—can the prefrontal cortex reengage, allowing for logical conversation and problem-solving. At this point, we can discuss the event using reason and address any underlying beliefs or unmet needs that fueled the emotional reaction in the first place.
Conclusion:
In moments of high emotional activation, the human brain operates in survival and emotional mode, making logical reasoning temporarily inaccessible. Being attuned to emotional needs and creating space for them is the first step in resolving conflicts or challenges effectively. Only when emotions are acknowledged and the mind-body system regulates can logical conversations be productive. This hierarchy of brain development and response ensures that emotions, not logic, are the first response to any life event, making emotional understanding the key to meaningful communication.
How do you do all this? Well, that’s why I am here to help you.
I didn’t come out of the womb knowing all this, nor did my parents teach and model this for me, I had to learn by going through it and then doing the work to support myself as a parent and an individual navigating life stress each day. And, I did it with a critical support system that included coaching and education.
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