Updated: May 17
Does your child get down on herself? Is she hard on herself? Perfectionist child? Here are some things you can do.
PART 1: BE VULNERABLE AND OPEN...
Here are some signs of a perfectionist child:
· Gives up easily after only 1 or 2 attempts of something,
· Unable to overcome mistakes,
· Has difficulty managing change,
· Self-critical, self-conscious, or easily embarrassed,
· Sensitive to criticism even if it’s constructive,
· Anxiety about making mistakes,
· Procrastinates or avoids challenging tasks,
· Tendency to stay in comfort zone,
· Emotionally and socially inhibited,
· Critical of others,
· Difficulty decision making,
These are just a few…
So what can you do?
1: Be vulnerable and open; share your past mistakes or poor choices with your child (based on what is age appropriate of course).
It can be hard for parents to be vulnerable with their kids; many parents struggle with showing their mistakes, flaws or poor choices from the past. But sharing these "imperfect" parts of yourself allows you to reach your child on 'their' level - you become approachable/reachable - and that is life changing!
If you choose to not share your imperfections, mistakes or poor choices, then your child has only your achievements to ‘measure’ up against. Not because you are asking them to ‘measure up’ and not because she is trying to ‘measure up.’ But because her brain doesn’t have anything else to compare to right now. At least not on that very intimate relationship level than can only be experienced in the parent-child dynamic.
When you step out of your comfort zone and share your mistakes with your child, be sure to share the LESSON you learned from it, and how, going through the mistake actually helped you. If kids can see the positives around a mistake, a mistake is less threatening.
What did you gain from the mistake?
How did you grow from the mistake?
How has the lesson helped you in other areas of your life?
When I was 7 years old, I made a very BIG poor choice that was disrespectful that affected MANY people including myself.
At the time, my parents had some odd changes in their work schedules meaning they had to drop me off to school SUPER early – we’re talking before 7 am when nobody else was there except the janitor. I was advised to sit on the floor in the hallway on the cold somewhat sandy tile floors and wait quietly. I wasn’t offered any toys or activities to do. I believe I may have taken 1 or 2 books with me to read while in the hallway.
If the conditions were for a few days, I’m sure I would’ve handled it. But, it was for a month and it was scary being alone in the cold dark hallway. I remember trying to communicate with my parents about what I was feeling, but in our house, we just did what we had to do. Feelings needed to be put aside.
I was VERY GRUNGY.
And one day, I ‘acted out.’ It was impulsive, which is expected for kids, but I also remember it being oddly thrilling. I walked into the classroom of a teacher I did not particularly like; I threw stuff around, I messed up her papers on her desk, I knocked over a plant, and the worst….
Remember rubber cement that was used in schools in the 80’s? I took the rubber cement wand and painted glue all over the ivory keys of the teacher’s piano!!!
Aaaghh. Talk about vandalism.
Oh did I get in trouble. I was scared for my life.
I was grounded, most of my privileges were taken away, and lost the trust of everyone in school. My friends teased me also. The secretary Ms. Cormier, who had loved me prior to this, was suddenly very cold towards me now.
This story is something I would share with my kids when the teaching opportunity arises:
· What to do when it comes to someone else’s property, belongings, or ‘stuff.’
· What is a disrespectful choice.
· The negative impacts of a poor choice on me - how does it play out in your life when you make a poor choice…
Sure there were things my parents could have done differently, but it’s likely they didn’t have much of an option – things were different in the 80’s (less flex time at work, tougher workplace policies etc.) In the end, it was a choice I made. I learned a lot.
1) How disrespectful behavior can cause people hardship or pain – including myself.
2) How things cost a lot of money (ivory keys!!!)
3) How my life was negatively impacted – people lost trust in me, I lost my privileges.
4) When you break the rules or cross boundaries, the consequences can be severe.
5) How to make better choices that don’t cause harm.
And many more lessons!
The point is, when I can share this with my child, my child can go “Wow Mom. You did that huh? It was a pretty big mistake.” And suddenly I’m not up there, this towering parent who never did anything wrong, who my child has to work to not disappoint.
WATCH FOR PART 2 COMING SOON…